Saturday, October 22, 2011

The King's Guard

No. It's not the title of a movie. It's what I've been feeling lately.

Some Background:
Back in January, I started to experience non-stop, uncontrollable anxiety (read intense, unexplainable and paralyzing fear). For some unknown reason, I couldn't drive anywhere, didn't want to be left alone (esp. with the kids), couldn't eat, was scared to breathe, and struggled -an understatement- with the dismal weather of Rexburg, ID. It was a really difficult time and I felt so utterly alone. Unless you experience it for yourself, anxiety is something difficult to understand. I went to counseling, learned some surprising things about myself, and went to a different doctor who finally prescribed something that didn't worsen the problem.

Flash Forward to Now:
Whereas I was unable to drive 5 miles to Wal-Mart in Rexburg, I am able to drive at least 45 miles and on the freeway - something I was unable to do before. I can wake up in the morning without my stomach being in a knot, scared to face the day. I can be home without being terrified. Daily life is not a constant battle.

A couple of days ago, I started experiencing some weird side effects from my medicine. I stopped taking it and everything (dark, scary thoughts) came flooding back. I felt physically ill and alone. It was terrible. I plead with the Lord to take this from me. I know it's not nearly as severe as cancer, but it's hard for me. I wanted my burden to be lifted, so that I could feel normal again, and actually be the person I want to be. As I prayed, I was filled with peace - an undeniable comforting feeling. The next day, all of the side effects of the pill disappeared and I felt strengthened.

The immediate impression I received was that I wasn't alone at all. I have the King's Guard to help me through life's journey. It's something sacred to me, but I feel like it's okay to share this. I know I have angels by my side. I know they are with me and most importantly, I know that my Savior took upon Himself my exact afflictions. He knows how hard it is for me and He is there to help me. I am not ever alone! I have the King's Guard. Though I may struggle with knowing that God is loving (because He is), I have perfect evidence that He cares for me.

In Rexburg, two years ago, Michael started choking on two orange slices he had stuffed into his mouth. I started the Heimlich for babies and my fingernail cut his throat. Not only was he choking, he was bleeding, too. It was terrifying! I hope someday that I can let go of that image of his gray face begging me to help him somehow. He eventually coughed up the oranges, but I was so scared! I asked for a Priesthood Blessing and in that blessing I was told that I had angels, the spirits of my ancestors, there with me and through other experiences I would face that would be difficult for me in the future.

I hang onto that. I know that there is life after death and I know that we're not left alone. Families don't stop caring about each other just because of the separation of death. The spirit is eternal. I know I was helped then and I am helped now, even though that help may sometimes be unseen.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. Seeing my child turn gray would spook me to no other! I cannot imagine.

    Carolyn, you are so so so amazing. We must be neighbors some day! Are you guys settling in Rexburg? If not, where are you looking? We should be looking at the same places, no joke!!